The way I see it

What If :S

Maybe I have already posted about this, but I’ve been doing a lot of “what if” thinking.  What if I cant retake NUR 410, What if I cant get back into the Nursing Program, What if I never become a nurse, what if I become a loser and I go nowhere in life?

Ok, so I’m over doing it, but I’m just feeling anxious.  I’m just keeping things real so I am not so disappointed.  Don’t get me wrong I really want to finish this Nursing program that I started ages ago.

I meet with the Nursing committee January 5th.  I have to tell them why I failed and how I plan to succeed.  It’s insanely stressful.  I am scared.  I don’t know if I will be allowed to return to school to retake this course.  I hate going through this AGAIN.  Seriously guys, don’t do it….don’t fail any course in school.  However, I have decided to go through with this meeting.  I hope I am given the opportunity to try one more time, because I have decided that if for some crazy highly unexpected event occurs and I fail again…I will not try again.  This will be it.  That’s how I feel about it now….

I am 5 classes from graduating…

& I don’t know what my future holds.

I’ll just become a traveler like the lovely Lena






The way I see it

Not Sure

I am not sure how I feel.  It’s sort of like being a tumble weed on a windy day.  As you might have guessed, I failed to move on to my last semester of Nursing school.  I missed the grade by .08 and let me just begin to tell you that I’ve done my crying.  Of course, if people ask me about it I’ll start up a storm again…I’m still sensitive.  I was considering just dropping out, not even trying.  You guys know- I’ve been through this before & so I thought…maybe it’s the universe trying to tell me something.   I was feeling incredibly low and so I just decide to go out that night (yesterday) and see friends.  I didn’t even want to talk to anyone really.   I just wanted to get out of the house and distract myself from my thoughts.   I go to the Mesa Temple to see the Christmas lights and then I am more in the background.  I am looking but I’m not really seeing….I am not sure if that makes sense, but when I am in there, its like no one else is there.  I found myself following a group of people.  I was just there and after a while I felt like everything was going to be okay.  At that point I was hoping that the Instructor would give me a point or 1/2 a point, but I knew that if she did not….everything would be fine.

I decide to go home early from Mesa, and as I am walking out, I get asked to “hang out” to which I say yes (random, but it happened), then I find myself walking with a friend.   I ended up telling this friend about my situation and he was just a great listener.

Anyhow, come today Its confirmed that there is no way I could get that point.  I keep going back and forth with “What if this” “what if that”  those words will forever keep you in a cycle that will torture you with things that cant be tampered with…which is the past.  I will not go on to my last semester of Nursing school.  I will not graduate this May.  My plans have been ruined and I can only blame myself.

Don’t worry, I am okay now.  I am calm and now I can only wait to see what will happen to me.  I will petition for the last time to retake this class and I will graduate.  Even if I feel like giving up, I will not -that is just not who I am.  I will finish.  Now, I can only wait and hope that my petition is granted and my plans for graduation will only be postponed a few months.

Here I go again,

The waiting game begins.







OB Rotation

I love babies and I love to see their parents all excited over them . I enjoy their happiness.  However, I do NOT want to be a labor and delivery nurse.  Most times its happy and babies are adorable, BUT the sad situations overshadow those happy moments.

I had to see a newborn baby go through opiod withdrawals.  It’s pretty much the saddest thing I have ever seen.  The baby couldn’t have been more than 12 hrs old and he doesn’t have a family to keep him safe.  He was so small and so alone.

I was heartbroken.


Beyond Excited

Well, its finally here.

Tomorrow will be my first day of school as a Senior Nursing Student.  I have waited a long time for this.  It is almost like I am living in a dream.  It’s surreal.  Have you ever found yourself staring at a picture of a close friend and suddenly it’s almost like you don’t recognize them.  It’s strange really.  How can something so familiar become so strange?  Nursing school is so far a never ending road where I can see the end, but I keep walking and I don’t seem to get close….strange.  I feel like I am going to do something wrong tomorrow.  Nursing school has definitely led me towards a path of uncertainty where I have become an anxious person, but I happen to be a great actress so I just pretend to be super confident.  In reality I am scared to death.

I will not let Nursing school beat me.  I will concentrate my all to passing this semester with flying colors.  I have decided to only work twice a week.  Yes, I will seriously be lacking money but its going to be okay.

I have decided that I don’t really need that much money.  This year is my year.  I have already started right (passing Adult health) and I will finish it just how I started.

I can see the end of the road and for the first time I feel like I am actually getting close.

Send me good vibes guys



When it Rains- It Pours

I don’t tend to be a negative person, but sometimes I drown in my own thoughts.  You might or might not know the feeling.  Right now, I’m feeling overwhelmed with my current job and I probably feel that way due the scenario I’m in.

Nursing School sometimes feels like a far away dream.  Sometimes I can’t believe I finally finished my Jr. year.  It’s all very surreal.  Anyhow, I need to figure out away to pay for my bills and still save for school.

Send me good vibes guys-

I need all sorts of positive energy coming my way.



Adult Health

This is old news, but…I did it.

I passed Adult Health.

One of my previous professors texted me and congratulated me for passing even before grades were posted.

I passed all four exams, so I knew I’d pass the final. However, after failing more than once, you tend to loose confidence in yourself, so I was always afraid.  Now, I am anxiously waiting for next semester and looking for scholarships while saving up.