The way I see it

Addiction & Love

So we broke up again on February 20th of 2018.

It is now July 31st.

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WTF- I havent even published my book. None of my goals have been accomplished

Life is so funny- It likes to give you nice things then BAM!

I’ve accepted it though. I’m just rolling with the punches-I must not let it get to me because I only live once and life is beautiful. Ive decided to enjoy moments and learn from every situation. I refuse to linger with unhappy emotions/hurtful thoughts too long because life is too short for it to take too much of my time.

Things have gotten better. It’s been weeks since my last panic/anxiety attack.

I also quit my job and so I am now unemployed. To be honest, I’ll be working on something soon, this unemployed business is awesome but it’s not my style.

I miss my mother very much.

I miss GB (My X) very much.

I miss the life I had before.

However, I have grown more content. Life is slowly getting better because I am getting better (perspective). I have been working on my goals. I have been looking out for my family- best I can and I have amazing friends. GOD is good 🙂

I am now in contact with GB- which I wasn’t really before. I wonder if that is why I am feeling better? We’re in good standing terms.

However, it could be that I am better because a future with him is out of my mind. I won’t lie and say I don’t ever think about it, but it’s not something I think about as much as before; thus, I am not as anxious about ‘him and I’ because nothing is concrete.

I actualy do want to emphasize that I am happier because of me..and not because of anyone else. Of course I have people around me that help, but ultimately I make myself happy…does that make sense?

I worry about the now…not so much the past and not so much the future.

Just the ‘now’

Theres something peaceful about the ‘now’ take a minute and think about it…or maybe not, sorry.

Its taken forever to write this post.

It is now September 2018.

UPDATE: I was disappointed by GB. I know that he and I were not bf and gf but damn we WERE something special in the past and I’ll dare say we were something now. We had a connection…however, it is crystal clear to me that he has personal demons. I’ve learned about them, but I am more aware of how he lets them dominate his precious life.

Unfortunately I can’t be in the same terms I was with GB while he lets the demons win. I used to think I could be there as a friend, but it’s exhausting (physically, emotionally and mentally) and quite honestly he doesn’t want me there. However if he ever needs a friend, he knows I’m here for him.

I’ve been waiting for him to recover so that maybe, possibly one day we can help each other and love each other… just add to each others happiness, but I don’t see that day coming any time soon. Sometimes I feel guilty for not standing by his side, because I do absolutely love him but hes not changing. I try and I don’t see him being consistant.

I’ve decided to move on. Part of me is devastated because I did want a life with him and I did allow myself to start to believe (even just for a bit) after he left the program, but no. It’s just the same thing over and over. The other part of me (which is quite small) is somewhat having a “told you” moment…where I can finally allow myself to open my eyes for what he is choosing to be. He is not choosing to be with me, so why must I continue to choose him?

Quite honestly and against everyones opinion, I would have given him a 3rd opportunity (as far as I saw him committed to his well-being).

I am crushed but overal feeling at peace. I can only pray he learns to love himself enough to pick himself up.

I wish him nothing but the best and he knows that. We always said we would be ok with or without each other (preferably with), but since that is no longer a possibility at the moment or anytime soon- I’ll be ok and I pray he is too.

If you all knew him, you would see what I do.

A handsome man, with beautiful eyes, a kind smile and a soothing voice that could calm your being. He would make you feel safe, he is freaking hilarious and he knew what he wanted in life…it’s just too bad he didnt live like the life he said he wanted. He focused too much on his demons and how they made him feel.

He really is one of a kind.

And if in a couple years I bumped into him and he is who he aspired to be- heck, I’d give him that 3rd opportunity…

I don’t understand addiction, but I know people need help and then its up to them.

If you’re reading this and have an addiction please seek help. There are future people to meet, lovers to kiss, friends to make, families to grow- don’t let your demons win. Be there for the people that love you.

I am rooting for you always.

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Death…

This year has been the worst- although I had some great times in the year…overal, in comparison- it has been the worst.

I turned in my Nursing application (yay).

I was forced to meet death, and alot of emotions/thoughts came from that.

I met someone amazing and within a year I found utter heartbreak.

All of the sudden the pain that nursing school caused was NOTHING compared to loosing my Mom and the boy I thought was going to marry.

I see it very clearly- I can simply reapply to nursing school and get on with it.

I wont see my Mom again except in my dreams (which I seldom have now), and my life suddenly isn’t what I thought it would be.

This post has been saved in my drafts for months and it’s February and I’m finally finishing it up.

On August 17th, 2017 @ 0105 my Mom exhaled for the last time.

She was surrounded by those that she loved most. She was able to see all of her siblings *who travelled from far away places*.

She left us peacefully and that gives me comfort.

She recognized me a day before and smiled- everytime I remember her face I tear up.

I miss her so much words cannot begin to describe.

August 25, 2017 my boyfriend proposed.

September 4, 2017 I was heartbroken.

November 9th I was single.

December 15…decided to give it another try, but I’m not engaged and don’t plan on it anytime soon.

I don’t like having regrets and I was very depressed and lonely when I decided that I wanted him back. It wasn’t magical like I thought it would be…but were working on it with no strings attached. There’s broken trust that needs to be repair.

I’m not so worried about my relationship. If it works it works- #NuffSaid

I am worried about my well being. Sometimes I am so unstable. I freak out and can’t breathe. I start hyperventilating…never had I gone through something like that.

I’m focusing on my family and friends. Im workimg hard to save $ and am patiently waiting to get back to school 🙂

I’d been sad almost everyday untill January where I decided that I am the only one that can choose happiness. Thats when I decided to not worry abouy my relationship (as much as I did), I’m just doing the best I can with my family and ever since changing my attitude I am more optimistic about my future.

I still get sad and have my little episodes but I am ok.

And I will continue to be ok.

I am striving towards happiness-

One day I’ll see my mother and she will know that I did my best.

I can’t wait to see her again.

That thought keeps me going.

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The way I see it

Uncertain

Guess what?

I turned in my nursing application this past Monday ( June 19th). I waited so long to jump back in that I’ll have to redo some classes but I am overall OK with it. Its not ideal but I can’t complain.

I was told that I start in 2- 3 semesters.

Now, its yet again another waiting game. This time I will win.

Life is funny –

My mother was admitted to the hospital on the 16th of June (shes out now).  She has been having this intense pain on her abdomen (RUQ).  I wont  go into much detail because this blog is more Nursing related (Plus writing about it makes me very sensitive)
but this Blog post has been left unfinished for a while and the situation can be related to Nursing.

Today is 07/10/2017- and to simplify things, on July 3rd- my mother was told that she had about 3-6 months to live.

This situation has gotten me thinking about lots of things;  one of those things is Nursing School.  I am now, more than anything motivated to finish.

I’m worried about our financial situation, about my younger siblings, my dad….my mother.

Things have gotten incredibly hard-

I am a living emotional roller-coaster.

I don’t want to loose my mom-

I wish things were different but if life has taught me anything- it’s that we cant live in the past…because thinking of the “Could haves” doesn’t changed the “now”.

I’m going to work extra hard now.

I want her to see me getting back into nursing school, I want her to see me graduate.

Pray for us

Send us positive vibes-

Love those around you-

 

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The way I see it

2017

I have to admit that last year was NOT what I expected or had planned out. That’s life though and I am much better at going with the flow. I believe in my last post I said something about not posting until I have news with Nursing school. Well the news is that there is NO news.

Does this mean I have given up? No, it just means I didn’t sort out my priorities.  I have this full time job and I let it consume me. I was so caught up with just working and doing the adult thing that I nearly forgot about my dreams. Keyword: NEARLY.

I went back to Gateway and will be applying for all of the nursing programs. I’m going to retake the HESI to get a more competitive score.

This year i will stay focused. If I’ve learned from my mistakes then this year will be good 🙂

Nursing school…my never ending story.

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The way I see it

One Way or Another

Today is Wednesday- 1745- its hot and I’ve got a headache.  It’s this nagging, non stop pulse like headache.

This past Monday I went to Community College.  I got there approximately at 0945 to meet with an adviser and I talked to one around 1345.  Yes, it was a very LONG wait, BUT highly effective.  I only regretted not meeting with her earlier.

Its kind of funny how I only started working so I could save up for school, but I let my work delay the process of my applying.

I have to retake the HESI exam, because I sped through it thinking I was going to be tested on Chemistry and Biology.  I was NOT tested on that material and I ended up finishing a whole hour early.  I sped through math when I could have taken my time.  I didn’t get the required score.  I can only retake it after 60 days…

I hate that I messed up but I’m done beating myself up over it.
I also emailed the Nursing Director for permission to reenter and I gave me all of the syllabus from my nursing classes.  I also attached my transcripts from ASU and I already spoke to the Nursing Director from ASU who will be writing my letter of why I am no longer at ASU.

Shes going to decide my fate (in regards to Nursing only…I’m dramatic, but not that dramatic)

I have to admit that I have been feeling somewhat humiliated, but this is what I want.  I’m going to become a nurse one way or another.

I don’t know if I can start this semester (I hope I can), if I can’t start this semester I will have to begin again….or so I’ve been told.

It’s definitely hard news, but I’m okay.

I will do this.

 

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The way I see it

It’s May

I’ve been reading old posts.  I went from Class of 2015 to Class of 2016 to Class of Who the Hell knows.  It’s a little funny now, and a little sad.  Tomorrow is my day off from work, and I will go to the AZBN office and ask about that CNA test.  My waiver got denied because I took the courses over 2 years ago.  In the email it said pending ASU transcript, so I am confused as to why it says that since I sent it all at the same time.  Anyhow, I’m going tomorrow and clearing this whole mess up.  I don’t see why they should deny my waiver when I’ve been doing clinical rotations practically every semester.  It’s not like I lost practice.
I shouldn’t be surprised though…everything has been going wrong (Nursing related).

I just have to keep pursuing it because It’s what I want.  I went ahead and ordered the HESI A2 book so I can begin to study.  I will pass that test with flying colors! I’m actually excited to study that book.  I can’t believe I am saying this, but I miss studying.
I need to get the ball rolling on this Nursing school stuff, I feel like I haven’t done much in regards to that aspect, and it’s because of my job.  I work Tuesday to Saturday 0900-1700 & consequently I only have Mondays to do everything.  I also have my other job Thursday-Saturday from 1800-2000, so practically my weekends revolve around ZERO fun.
Most likely I will change my days- perhaps cut a day or two from my second job.

Changing subjects, my case management position is pretty sweet.  I don’t hate my coworkers.  The work can get stressful, but its manageable.  My office buddy, whom I will call Lola is absolutely hilarious.  Shes one of those people that isn’t trying to be funny, but the way she interacts with people is funny.  Shes slightly awkward and the best part is that she doesn’t talk a lot.  She lets me work.

In my next post I will talk more about what I do exactly.  Untill then ….

Stay safe =)

EC

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