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Death…

This year has been the worst- although I had some great times in the year…overal, in comparison- it has been the worst.

I turned in my Nursing application (yay).

I was forced to meet death, and alot of emotions/thoughts came from that.

I met someone amazing and within a year I found utter heartbreak.

All of the sudden the pain that nursing school caused was NOTHING compared to loosing my Mom and the boy I thought was going to marry.

I see it very clearly- I can simply reapply to nursing school and get on with it.

I wont see my Mom again except in my dreams (which I seldom have now), and my life suddenly isn’t what I thought it would be.

This post has been saved in my drafts for months and it’s February and I’m finally finishing it up.

On August 17th, 2017 @ 0105 my Mom exhaled for the last time.

She was surrounded by those that she loved most. She was able to see all of her siblings *who travelled from far away places*.

She left us peacefully and that gives me comfort.

She recognized me a day before and smiled- everytime I remember her face I tear up.

I miss her so much words cannot begin to describe.

August 25, 2017 my boyfriend proposed.

September 4, 2017 I was heartbroken.

November 9th I was single.

December 15…decided to give it another try, but I’m not engaged and don’t plan on it anytime soon.

I don’t like having regrets and I was very depressed and lonely when I decided that I wanted him back. It wasn’t magical like I thought it would be…but were working on it with no strings attached. There’s broken trust that needs to be repair.

I’m not so worried about my relationship. If it works it works- #NuffSaid

I am worried about my well being. Sometimes I am so unstable. I freak out and can’t breathe. I start hyperventilating…never had I gone through something like that.

I’m focusing on my family and friends. Im workimg hard to save $ and am patiently waiting to get back to school 🙂

I’d been sad almost everyday untill January where I decided that I am the only one that can choose happiness. Thats when I decided to not worry abouy my relationship (as much as I did), I’m just doing the best I can with my family and ever since changing my attitude I am more optimistic about my future.

I still get sad and have my little episodes but I am ok.

And I will continue to be ok.

I am striving towards happiness-

One day I’ll see my mother and she will know that I did my best.

I can’t wait to see her again.

That thought keeps me going.

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