So we broke up again on February 20th of 2018.
It is now July 31st.
WTF- I havent even published my book. None of my goals have been accomplished
Life is so funny- It likes to give you nice things then BAM!
I’ve accepted it though. I’m just rolling with the punches-I must not let it get to me because I only live once and life is beautiful. Ive decided to enjoy moments and learn from every situation. I refuse to linger with unhappy emotions/hurtful thoughts too long because life is too short for it to take too much of my time.
Things have gotten better. It’s been weeks since my last panic/anxiety attack.
I also quit my job and so I am now unemployed. To be honest, I’ll be working on something soon, this unemployed business is awesome but it’s not my style.
I miss my mother very much.
I miss GB (My X) very much.
I miss the life I had before.
However, I have grown more content. Life is slowly getting better because I am getting better (perspective). I have been working on my goals. I have been looking out for my family- best I can and I have amazing friends. GOD is good 🙂
I am now in contact with GB- which I wasn’t really before. I wonder if that is why I am feeling better? We’re in good standing terms.
However, it could be that I am better because a future with him is out of my mind. I won’t lie and say I don’t ever think about it, but it’s not something I think about as much as before; thus, I am not as anxious about ‘him and I’ because nothing is concrete.
I actualy do want to emphasize that I am happier because of me..and not because of anyone else. Of course I have people around me that help, but ultimately I make myself happy…does that make sense?
I worry about the now…not so much the past and not so much the future.
Just the ‘now’
Theres something peaceful about the ‘now’ take a minute and think about it…or maybe not, sorry.
Its taken forever to write this post.
It is now September 2018.
UPDATE: I was disappointed by GB. I know that he and I were not bf and gf but damn we WERE something special in the past and I’ll dare say we were something now. We had a connection…however, it is crystal clear to me that he has personal demons. I’ve learned about them, but I am more aware of how he lets them dominate his precious life.
Unfortunately I can’t be in the same terms I was with GB while he lets the demons win. I used to think I could be there as a friend, but it’s exhausting (physically, emotionally and mentally) and quite honestly he doesn’t want me there. However if he ever needs a friend, he knows I’m here for him.
I’ve been waiting for him to recover so that maybe, possibly one day we can help each other and love each other… just add to each others happiness, but I don’t see that day coming any time soon. Sometimes I feel guilty for not standing by his side, because I do absolutely love him but hes not changing. I try and I don’t see him being consistant.
I’ve decided to move on. Part of me is devastated because I did want a life with him and I did allow myself to start to believe (even just for a bit) after he left the program, but no. It’s just the same thing over and over. The other part of me (which is quite small) is somewhat having a “told you” moment…where I can finally allow myself to open my eyes for what he is choosing to be. He is not choosing to be with me, so why must I continue to choose him?
Quite honestly and against everyones opinion, I would have given him a 3rd opportunity (as far as I saw him committed to his well-being).
I am crushed but overal feeling at peace. I can only pray he learns to love himself enough to pick himself up.
I wish him nothing but the best and he knows that. We always said we would be ok with or without each other (preferably with), but since that is no longer a possibility at the moment or anytime soon- I’ll be ok and I pray he is too.
If you all knew him, you would see what I do.
A handsome man, with beautiful eyes, a kind smile and a soothing voice that could calm your being. He would make you feel safe, he is freaking hilarious and he knew what he wanted in life…it’s just too bad he didnt live like the life he said he wanted. He focused too much on his demons and how they made him feel.
He really is one of a kind.
And if in a couple years I bumped into him and he is who he aspired to be- heck, I’d give him that 3rd opportunity…
I don’t understand addiction, but I know people need help and then its up to them.
If you’re reading this and have an addiction please seek help. There are future people to meet, lovers to kiss, friends to make, families to grow- don’t let your demons win. Be there for the people that love you.
I am rooting for you always.